Wednesday, June 1, 2011

30 Day Challenge--Day 5...well sort of....

Today marks the 5th day of my 30 day challenge. The topic for today is a picture of somewhere I've been. However, that's not what I'm going to write about. Instead I'm going to do a little switch-a-roo with days and do Day 13's topic instead: a letter to someone who has hurt you recently. Now, you’re probably wondering to yourself, why the change in topics? Well, I will tell you all about it.

Before Guillermo and I were a couple, I dated Jeff. He and I were together off and on for about 16 months. It was a tough relationship because Jeff always wanted more than I did. I feel badly about how things were throughout the relationship. Looking back in retrospect I wasn't a good girlfriend at all. I was so fickle from day to day about what I wanted and I just couldn't seem to fully commit. And poor Jeff just never seemed to give up hope that we would work. It definitely wasn't a good emotional situation for either of us. We finally were able to move forward with our lives and start new relationships. But even then we were still communicating for the first month and a half into our new relationships. You can imagine how tough that can be on a person when you’re trying to build something new but haven't fully broken away from a past relationship. It definitely makes you confused, and it made me feel bad because I felt like it was wrong to do to Guillermo. (He knew he and I were still communicating.) Eventually I realized that although Jeff was always willing to be there and help me with things, I just had to end all contact with him. So I did. And it's been very good for me by doing so.

I've had my blog going for about a year now. I never really let a whole lot of people know about it because to be honest I was afraid of what people might think of it. However, Jeff knew about it and followed me. A couple times he even posted on what I wrote. I mentioned a few blogs ago that I've been pretty inconsistent with my posts. Sometimes I'd post regularly, while other times a month or two would pass before I blogged again. So I just figured that though we weren't together anymore and I hadn't made it known to him that I've started blogging daily, he wasn't looking at it. Guillermo suspected that he probably was, but I didn't know how to remove or block him. BlogSpot can be tricky to maneuver around. Anyway, as you know I've just been blogging away and posting tons of pictures and writing about all sorts of things going on in my life.

Well yesterday I was playing around, and looking at my blogger friend's pages just checking in and seeing what's going on in their lives (I had some free time yesterday subbing) when I clicked on Jeff's profile. Now remember, even though he followed me, he didn't have an actual blog. Well, to my surprise I saw he had started his own blog. This pretty much confirmed to me that he had been reading my blog all this time. I knew I was going to block him from mine, but being at work I didn't have time to figure out how to do it. So after I got home last night I signed into blogger to mess around with my settings and figure out how to private my account. When trying to block him I clicked on his blog link and what I found was the cruelest thing that anyone has ever done to me.


See I had run into Jeff that day. He kind of gave me a half smile and put his head down and kept going. Well what he didn't see was I actually acknowledged him and smiled back. Maybe not my usually big smile with all my teeth showing, but it was the best I could muster up for my ex boyfriend. (I'm sure you can understand.) Anyway, since his head was down he didn't see me and I guess this just really made him mad. Because what I came across on his blog was a new post, not the one I had seen only hours earlier. In this post was a picture of my boyfriend, Guillermo, blown up of just a close up of his face. It was obvious where the picture came from--my blog. I had posted it a couple days before. It was a picture from the engagement party we went to over the weekend. What he had done to the picture was horrible. He had critiqued every aspect of his face and circled any imperfections on his teeth, eyebrows, and blemishes and then wrote a nasty caption on the photo and underneath. Then he went on to write the most horrible and hurtful blog ever about him and me. I was so shocked that I just burst into tears. I couldn't believe that someone who claimed to love me and want to marry me at one time could do something so awful. Guillermo doesn't even know Jeff. Has never met him and he's never said one bad thing about him after all the nasty things Jeff did and said about him to me when he found out he and I were dating.

After reading that disturbing blog, I texted Guillermo and told him what happened. He was so encouraging and told me not to worry about it and to not let that get me down. See the extreme thinker that I am (refer back to day 4 of the 30 day challenge) started to get really really upset and irrational. Guillermo ended up stopping by to cheer me up. He's so sweet. :) He wasn't even upset that Jeff did this. He actually started to name off things that he most likely wrote about him while smiling the whole time. It was actually really calming and made me feel better to see that Guillermo was not one bit affected knowing that this person had done something to personally attack him. He never saw the blog, but I told him everything Jeff had written. He told me to forget about it and not think about it anymore. He didn't care and so I shouldn't either.

So now that I have caught y'all up on what happened, I can do the day 5...technically day 13 challenge: a letter to someone who has hurt you recently.

Dear Jeff,

I saw your blog yesterday. What I saw made me feel so sick. How could you ever be so cruel to do something like that to a person you don't even know? What you said about me was mean, but nothing in comparison as to what you wrote about Guillermo. Why do you even care about him and me? You have your own girlfriend and should be focusing all your time on that relationship and not mine. You and I will never be friends. I've been able to remain friends with almost all of my ex boyfriends, but I want you to know that I will NEVER be your friend EVER. I never want to speak to you, let alone see you again. I have blocked you from every possible aspect of my life. You'll never see my blog again and I've even fixed my email so that if you ever email me it will automatically go to my trash and I'll never see it. I had put all of my memories of us together in a box, but that too will gone with the trash next week.

I have no respect for you and I cannot believe I dated such a monster. I didn't show Guillermo your blog but I told him about every last thing you wrote. Too bad for you that he wasn't even fazed. I love how he has the ability to turn a bad thing into something completely unimportant and even funny. I did have to laugh about the part when you called him a loser. Funny, the last time I checked, a Master's in Engineering and a future PhD in Forest Biomaterials, all while doing this using his 2nd language is pretty impressive. Not to forget to mention the fact that he's accomplished a hell of a lot more in his 25 years than you in your 35 years of life. Who are you to judge him and call him a loser when you're struggling to get by with an Associate’s degree?

I want you to know that Guillermo and I are very happy together. I've never smiled so much in my life. I'm so grateful that he and I met! I don't know what will happen between us, as only time will tell, but I can tell you that he has made me happier than I ever was with you. Guillermo is one of the kindest people I have ever met. He is so positive and I just love that optimism! You were always so quick to put down things and people and Guillermo is the complete opposite. He can always find the good in a bad situation and has helped me realize that I can too. He makes me a better person and I could never say that with you. You liked to tell me after I broke up with you that I have no soul and am a terrible person with an awful family, but I think you're just projecting to try and make yourself feel better about your unfortunate life situations. You really are a terrible person.

Writing this letter to you is just what I needed for permanent closure.

Ashley

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